He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
