The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
