Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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