I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
