Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
