threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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