The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
