I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
