I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
