My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
