Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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