Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
