Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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