Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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