to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
