ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
