I got chris browned last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
