If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
