My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
