when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I wear drunk well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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