How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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