I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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