dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
