Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
