I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
