I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
