Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
