so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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