I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
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The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
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So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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