You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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