I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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