I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
