I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there is glitter all over my balls
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
