you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
