shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
