I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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