I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
