My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
