I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
