When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
