Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
