Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
