It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
