dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
