Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
