I will die if light touches me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
