how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
