I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
