FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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