i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
