so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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