You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
