What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
