I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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