i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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